I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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