I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
