I wish I could teleport
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize