ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
