just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she pinky promised me she was 18
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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