i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
