I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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