i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
