Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
