Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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