My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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