I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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