I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
