I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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