You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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