I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My life is pants optional.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
