Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize