you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
