His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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