can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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