how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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