I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
