My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
it glows. i had to have it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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