i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
