so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
