I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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