so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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