i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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