Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
