u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
