I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
