just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
