I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
