i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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