my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
