I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize