dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
