Yo dont text me then not text me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
