I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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