I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
