True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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