Whod you bang
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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