Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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