Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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