The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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