everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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