legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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