Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
