On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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