Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
