I accidentally burped into my bong.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
