At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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