I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
