i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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