Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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