a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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