So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
