I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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